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Entry 61: Flying Kites
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
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Entry 62: Solomon's Wisdom
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
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Entry 63: Thunderstorms
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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Entry 64: 3 Wishes
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed up she got, getting all worried over getting the most in the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish is for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish, and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish is for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it is granted, but the genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie is about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
No problem, says the woman as she grins in ecstasy. For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins!"
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Entry 65: A Lawyer's Game
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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22942 Via Cereza
Mission Viejo, CA 92691
949.273.2330
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